Pulling The Trigger.
BLOG POST 2 - 25th September 2025
Ever spent so long getting everything ready that you realise the truth: you’re just delaying, inventing obstacles, creating distractions? And there’s the grey areas of that - what if I’m being delayed for a reason? What if it’s not the right time? What if I’m not supposed to do it yet? Then there’s the overthinking which allows doubt to seep in and with doubt comes that dreaded inner critic… oh, the endless cycles we have to break.
So today is the day, no more fucking about. I’m going to put myself on camera - that is if my son doesn’t need me to drop him off in the city for that thing - there I go again! Nope, today is the day, or at least the next couple of days, definitely this week. I understand the subtext of it, it’s fear of change. I know as soon as I do this thing, it will open up a new reality for me. I have a sense of where it’s all going to lead. I’m happy about those things. I’m more ready and open to change than I ever have been and I have never shied from change, always embraced it. But there’s something about this project that is so much bigger than me. I know I’m kicking off something that will have real-world consequences, it’s not small, it’s one of those snowball ideas that will lead to a great big shift in what is my baseline norm.
The past two years (+20 if I’m truly clear about the journey) has been a test of my courage, my resilience and my positivity. By not only maintaining those things, preserving them throughout this battle, I’ve achieved something remarkable which is that those elements have expanded and been fortified. I have more courage, greater resilience and an endless capacity for positivity. Hard won awards but I’m not sure you really reach those milestones without first trawling the sludgy depths. My journey isn’t done with me, this next adventure is the new start line where I get to utilise my new strengths. I’m fearless and bold and free and wise. Here’s where I actually start to harvest what grew in the mud. What’s delaying it then? Me. Little Jackie, Jackie the child, the teenager, the young adult and the woman caged and suppressed and silenced and surrendered, they’re delaying it because they got burned so many times.
I’ve forgotten how many times during my life I’ve known that I needed to pull the trigger, recognised that boundaries had been crossed, that I’d reached a point of no return and that action was necessary. Inevitably, because I am a kind and patient person by nature, I have delayed that action only to be confronted by a repeat of the behaviour that so offended me. I’ve wasted years giving grace and normalising bad behaviour and disrespect. I should have left my marriage in month one of it (pregnant and happy to be so btw). I didn’t. I grew grateful for crumbs and was terrified of repercussions. I lowered my standards and widened my boundaries so that I could tolerate the trespasses. That was a mistake. A long, painful, damaging mistake with countless other ignored gut-feeling moments on a near weekly basis. I should have pulled the trigger decades ago.
Let me give you a piece of advice: go with your gut. Seriously, if you have that sinking feeling, that: “something isn’t right” feeling inside, read it, accept it as fact, don’t question it, get out. Don’t worry about what anyone will think or say or if it’ll make you unpopular - your life is yours, your decisions impact your reality and honestly, popularity is overrated, especially if that popularity is conditional upon you compromising your authenticity. You get the ick? Move on, discard, go no contact, ghost, block, delete. Do not waste one second on anything that gives you even an inkling of ‘off’. I guarantee that every single person who has or is experiencing abuse or bullying in any form ignored all of the red flags and warning signs, they had that gut feeling but they swallowed it and suppressed it and talked themselves out of it. I know I did. I was romanced and love-bombed, I was promised true romance, true connection and support. It was everything I’d ever hoped to find. But I had that gut feeling, I always sensed that I was being played. I put those feelings down to having been burned before, my reluctance to trust, cynicism, unworthiness. So I talked myself out of it and in doing so I committed myself to a life sentence and I dragged my kids along for the ride. Within a few short months I was in a helpless situation, I was isolated from all friends and family, I had moved house to his territory, I was jobless (more about that particular nightmare later) and I had two kids under five giving me a new primary objective - how do I get them through this unscathed? In such a short time I’d gone from utterly independent to hopelessly reliant and bound and small and vulnerable.
It happens fast.
It gains momentum.
Before you know it, you already passed the point of no return.
Look at your situation right now. Take a really good look. Feel what you feel and really, honestly search those gut feelings past and present and then, once you’ve analysed it honestly and openly…
PULL THE TRIGGER!
…oooh, that reminds me…
