In the darkest depths of my abusive marriage when everything in my life was monitored and controlled - even how and when I slept - I discovered something magical... my imagination.

I had to sleep facing the door so that my body was available for spooning on demand, I wasn't allowed to get up in the night even if I couldn't sleep. If I dared to, I'd receive a text from upstairs before I'd even filled a glass with water: "where you? what doing?" It would spark the dreaded brain chemicals, the stress chemicals, the panic, the guilt and, if I answered, I'd receive another text, "come back to bed".

I decided to become an actress when I was 11 years old. I worked consistently in TV, film and theatre from then on, enjoying many high-profile roles including Tina Dingle in Emmerdale and then Linda Baldwin in Coronation Street (stayed tuned for all the gory details of my disappointing departures from those shows).

Going into the entertainment industry was a decision my 11-year-old self made and though I love her (yes, I've done my inner-child work) she knew fuck all about that business, about fame, about objectification and sexuality and she had no idea about the life-altering ramifications of vaulting from an impoverished childhood to new wealth.

My advice? Write your own shitty list and start the process of healing. Get a therapist and discuss each and every item on the list, push yourself out of the comfort zone of delay and denial. The damage done to you was not your fault but the responsibility of fixing it is yours alone. 

Am I being abused?

Sounds ridiculous, right? Well, when you're in it, it's not so easy to understand. See, there's this thing: The Cycle of Abuse. No abuser goes 100% abuse 100% of the time because it would cause a disastrous situation for them. 

Here's what the typical cycle of abuse looks like:

1. Tension Building - irritable, impatience, moody, withdrawn, picky, having small outbursts and complaints forcing the victim to go to great effort to placate them.

2. Acute Abuse

3. Reconciliation - apologies; promises; affection causing the victim to feel relief for the harmony and hope for the future.

I don't think people in healthy relationships question whether or not they are in an abusive relationship. If we find ourselves wondering, maybe that is an indication that all is not well. Have a look at the many factors that may/may not be present in your relationship. Be honest, be brutally honest. I answered yes for a disturbing amount of them and figured that the ones I said no to, painted a picture of what a possible future may have looked like had I not gotten out. Please note, this is not everything, abuse takes many forms but if you can relate to any of these factors, then you're in an abusive relationship.

1. Isolation - complaints/lies about victim's family/friends/colleagues/employers. Causing stress and bad things to occur before/during/after socialising.

2. Verbal abuse

3. Emotional manipulation - taking advantage of a victim's kindness and empathy

There I was wondering why I was so terrified of putting myself on camera for The Godmother Network YouTube channel. It is a fact that I am trained for it, I'm an actor with decades of experience under my belt. Yes, there's been a gap, but the level of nervousness I was experiencing was an indication of something bigger.

Image: Kristina Flour

Before I start, here's the accepted definition:

                  "physical; sexual; emotional; economic; psychological; or technological actions or threats of actions or

other patterns of coercive behaviour that influence another person within an intimate partner relationship."

And, just so I've covered all the bases, here's the Uk Government's definition of it: 

                  "Any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between those

aged 16 or over who are, or have been, intimate partners or family members regardless of gender or sexuality."

Notice how punching, slapping, kicking etc. aren't specifically mentioned? Yes, those actions are violent, they are assaults but so often many of us don't recognise that we're victims of domestic violence because we don't get punched, slapped or kicked etc. 

It's not just the victims who are impacted by the misconception but it's also another weapon in the abuser's arsenal. You, like me, may have lived with an abuser who held his/her head high and would spout the tropes: "I'd never hit a woman," or "I'd never cross that line", while lavishing the household with a daily dose of violence…

I’ll be honest, this is my third draft of this first blog post. The first one was overwritten - any writers out there know that you always overwrite the first - and my second was just all wrong. It sounded bitter, threatening, vengeful. I’m none of those things. Actually, that’s not true, those things are my low frequency, knee-jerk reactions to fear. I know I’m scared. I accept that. I’ve learned how to surrender to a lot of negative stuff over the years. I spent decades running on fear, it was my fuel for too long. These days I like to recognise the fear (because it keeps trying) and let it flow right along. I try not to feed it. I also find that denying it or trying to pretend it’s not there makes it bloom like black mold. That second draft was written by the scared Jackie and, while I’m prepared to tend to her and keep her healing, she’s not getting anywhere near my writing.

So this is blog post 1 (but actually 3) and I’m writing it with a heart full of joy, no knots in my stomach, nothing heavy squatting in my chest. Today is glorious. Everything in my world is lovely today. I’m at peace. Many of you, those who, like me, recently escaped your living hell, you understand how alien that new feeling is. It’s so unfamiliar to you that you have to remind yourself that it’s a good feeling. It takes months and months, maybe years (I’m at the two year mark now) before you start to learn what happiness and peace were and train yourself not to get nervous when you feel them. Why get nervous about something good? Well, I found the most damaging thing of all to me, the thing that posed the greatest danger to my mental health was hope. I hated hope. I denied myself hope. Too many times was I broken and disappointed. Hope just gave me further to fall. It was safer to assume the worst. My kids and I made it an integral part of our daily lives, especially holidays or special occasions to get into the “expect the worst and anything more is a bonus” mindset. How tragic is that?

Ever spent so long getting everything ready that you realise the truth: you’re just delaying, inventing obstacles, creating distractions? And there’s the grey areas of that - what if I’m being delayed for a reason? What if it’s not the right time? What if I’m not supposed to do it yet? Then there’s the overthinking which allows doubt to seep in and with doubt comes that dreaded inner critic… oh, the endless cycles we have to break.

So today is the day, no more fucking about. I’m going to put myself on camera - that is if my son doesn’t need me to drop him off in the city for that thing - there I go again! Nope, today is the day, or at least the next couple of days, definitely this week. I understand the subtext of it, it’s fear of change. I know as soon as I do this thing, it will open up a new reality for me. I have a sense of where it’s all going to lead. I’m happy about those things. I’m more ready and open to change than I ever have been and I have never shied from change, always embraced it. But there’s something about this project that is so much bigger than me. I know I’m kicking off something that will have real-world consequences, it’s not small, it’s one of those snowball ideas that will lead to a great big shift in what is my baseline norm.