The Shitty List
I like to imagine that my self-esteem was intact when I was born. I certainly have memories and have seen photographs of me playing and showing-off in a way that indicate that. What I do know is that my self-esteem was chipped away at young. My story is not unique and as I do more and more work and research around the subject of abusive relationships, it has become alarmingly apparent that my story is depressingly similar to that of many.
As a part of my healing process I sat down and wrote a list of all of the damage, the hurt, the abuse, sexual assault, violence, bullying, abandonment and more. It was upsetting but illuminating and ultimately empowering because it laid out the treatment and conditioning that put me in the crosshairs of abusers.
Yes, plural.
More than one abusive relationship? Well, she must like it, must seek it out, must enjoy the drama. This is a notion that I am familiar with. It's been implied and said to me before and it's devasting to hear or sense that people think that and then, before you know it, you start to believe it yourself. Why? Because your self-esteem is shot to bits and you internalised it and you lowered your standards and your perception of self became so twisted and negative that you accepted it as truth.
But it's not truth. It's utter bullshit. Once you analyse it, once you write that shitty list and you assess the damage you've internalised, you can begin the journey toward healing. You can identify the cracks in your self-esteem and you can amend the destruction and rebuild yourself. It's the only way to move out of that cycle, it's the only way to ensure that you can react appropriately to inappropriate behaviour. With that kind of internalised pain and disdain for yourself, all relationships will be unhealthy. You will be a target, you will attract abusers because you're primed for them, they can benefit from the work done by your past experiences.
My advice? Write your own shitty list and start the process of healing. Get a therapist and discuss each and every item on the list, push yourself out of the comfort zone of delay and denial. The damage done to you was not your fault but the responsibility of fixing it is yours alone.
You've already been through so much, why put yourself through that fresh hell? Well, it's painful and overwhelming and scary but at the other side of it is the life you've barely dared to dream of: actual happiness; real love; peace; joy. You have to do it for you, your future self and, most importantly, for the happy, confident child you were. She/he is in there and they want to play again.
