Is My Relationship Abusive?
Am I being abused?
Sounds ridiculous, right? Well, when you're in it, it's not so easy to understand. See, there's this thing: The Cycle of Abuse. No abuser goes 100% abuse 100% of the time because it would cause a disastrous situation for them.
Here's what the typical cycle of abuse looks like:
1. Tension Building - irritable, impatience, moody, withdrawn, picky, having small outbursts and complaints forcing the victim to go to great effort to placate them.
2. Acute Abuse
3. Reconciliation - apologies; promises; affection causing the victim to feel relief for the harmony and hope for the future.
I don't think people in healthy relationships question whether or not they are in an abusive relationship. If we find ourselves wondering, maybe that is an indication that all is not well. Have a look at the many factors that may/may not be present in your relationship. Be honest, be brutally honest. I answered yes for a disturbing amount of them and figured that the ones I said no to, painted a picture of what a possible future may have looked like had I not gotten out. Please note, this is not everything, abuse takes many forms but if you can relate to any of these factors, then you're in an abusive relationship.
1. Isolation - complaints/lies about victim's family/friends/colleagues/employers. Causing stress and bad things to occur before/during/after socialising.
2. Verbal abuse
3. Emotional manipulation - taking advantage of a victim's kindness and empathy
4. Scapegoating - someone else caused the outburst etc. (usually a child or member of the victim's support network)
5. Addiction
6. Control through fear
7. Physical abuse
8. Gaslighting - pretends not to understand or refuses to listen; questions victim's memory of events; accuses victim of imagining things or getting ideas from others; minimises victim's feelings/reactions; pretending to forget what happened/promises they made.
9. Coercive control*
10. Erratic behaviour
11. DARVO - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender - avoids accountability by denying that abuse ever took place; when confronted with evidence, abuser attacks the victim (or family or friends); finally, the abuser claims they were actually the victim in the situation.
12. Excessive checking-up
13. Ownership
14. Lying
15. Anger that frightens you
16. Hurting/threatening to hurt loved ones or pets
17. A say in everything you do
18. You worry your children are seeing/hearing things they should not
19. Using children's pain/upset as a trap
20. Pressured into sexual activity you don't want or are uncomfortable with
21. Financial abuse - taken/withheld
22. Preventing you from working/training
* Coercive Control needs a paragraph to itself. Here it is in a nutshell:
The abuser repeatedly manipulates, intimidates and isolates a partner to make them scared, subordinate and dependent, stripping them of their freedom, self-esteem, self-worth, sense of self. Tactics used in coercive control include: financial control; isolation from support networks; threats; constant surveillance; gaslighting ... i.e. acts intended to harm, punish and frighten the victim resulting in a devastating impact on the victim’s daily life, mental health and well-being.
