What Is Domestic Violence?

BLOG POST 3 - 2nd October 2025

Before I start, here's the accepted definition:

                  "physical; sexual; emotional; economic; psychological; or technological actions or threats of actions or

other patterns of coercive behaviour that influence another person within an intimate partner relationship."

And, just so I've covered all the bases, here's the UK Government's definition of it: 

                  "Any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between those

aged 16 or over who are, or have been, intimate partners or family members regardless of gender or sexuality."

Notice how punching, slapping, kicking etc. aren't specifically mentioned? Yes, those actions are violent, they are assaults but so often many of us don't recognise that we're victims of domestic violence because we don't get punched, slapped or kicked etc. 

It's not just the victims who are impacted by the misconception but it's also another weapon in the abuser's arsenal. You, like me, may have lived with an abuser who held his/her head high and would spout the tropes: "I'd never hit a woman," or "I'd never cross that line", while lavishing the household with a daily dose of violence.

My idea of violence was established early on in life. It was physical, it was hitting. Right? Wrong. Violence takes many forms and I'm no mind reader but I suspect that those who are violent yet stop short of meting out the physical blows, often know exactly what they are doing, they’re playing the game, they're gaslighting you. They've weaponised their lack of physical violence.

Except they are physically violent. They grab you; they pick you up when you don't want to be; they jump on you when you're resting (how dare you), they kick you or punch you 'in their sleep'; they cross terrifying lines during sex; they sneak up on you in shops to give you a fright (fun, isn't it, that they play on your atavistic sense of vulnerability - ha, fucking, ha!); they shout; scream in your face; they scream at the kids; they kick the dogs; they grit their teeth to display their extraordinary ability to resist hitting you; they slam doors; they drive erratically with you and the kids in the car; they initiate angry confrontations with strangers when you're out and about; they delight in farting and polluting you with their stink and then blaming you for the food you cooked when you complain; they break things; they swear at you; they stare at you; they're surprised when you pull away from them when they 'affectionately' grab a tit or slap your bum... "What? You should be happy I still fancy you."

The list goes on and on and those are the good days, let's be honest, a lot of those things only happen on the days when they're actually participating in the relationship and interacting with the family. Then, when you react or show you're upset and that fake smile you've learned to paint on slips, well, then you just spoiled the day. It was your fault, he can't do anything right, you just can't ever be happy, it's never enough... bla bla bla. He's the victim and an absolute saint for putting up with you.

It's a predictable script and it's so dependable that eventually the family begins to normalise the abuser's behaviour. The normalisation becomes a relief, a gaseous hiss releasing pressure from the persistent panic mode that is the cage around households like the one I escaped with my kids. We even had family sayings - delivered with a wink and a laugh just to make sure it is clear that we're all friends and we're all joking - like, "You've ruined (insert occasion)". We also - abuser included - came up with an alter-ego for him who could be blamed for bad behaviour: "Oh, hi, Steven", or "Steven did it", or "Careful, Steven's here."

The question of whether the abuse you're suffering is violent or not becomes very clear when you understand that physical assault is only one type of violence. But don't assume just because your abuser doesn't hit you that he/she never will. Oh, I noticed an uptick, an increase in the frequency and severity of abuse during the last few years of my situation. The final straw for me, in fact, was the moment he crossed that line. I've been in the company of violent people before, growing up and as a young woman, and I know that look in the eyes. I can read it like a book, it's the same look they all get. On this particular day, he was shouting at us all but particularly at my daughter and I intervened and then came that switch, then came those eyes and he stepped up to me and I knew I was going to get hit. Now, I vowed long ago (for a later blog) that I would stand up to any man that intended to hit me, no matter how scared or intimidated I may be. So, I stood my ground and he came closer and, almost nose to nose, he asked me, "What? What are you going to do, Jackie?" 

That was it. It took me a full week to get him to agree to leave because we were scared of him. That was a week of hell, of his heavy drinking; threats and warnings; tears and apologies; money simultaneously being offered and restricted; manipulation; gaslighting; begging; anger; rage; promises and even an appointment booked for a therapy session (I'd begged him to go to therapy for years with no success). He told us that he saw 'black' and couldn't remember going for me. That 'seeing black' statement had me and my daughter heading straight for Home Depot for bolts for bedroom doors. When he was finally out, you can bet every lock was changed. It’s only now, now that I do this work, now I’m talking and writing and researching the issue and the numbers and statistics that I recognise how much danger I was potentially in during that week where we couldn’t persuade him to leave. 38% of women killed by a partner or ex-partner are killed during the first month of separation. Think I’m being dramatic? Don’t, look at the numbers yourself. Abuse never deescalates and, I can speak from personal experience, no matter how compliant and small you make yourself, the abuser has to abuse. The abuse and their ‘reason’ for it will simply adapt to your adjusted behaviours.

We finally moved 5000 miles away and yet we all still lock every door and start at the sight of red cars. I personally check carparks and look to see who's walking behind me. Maybe I'll always be that way because I know violence and now I know its myriad facets. 

My advice to you? If you think you're safe because the abuse you suffer isn't violent in that traditional sense, think again, shift your perspective and redefine what violence means. It could save your life even if he/she is someone who would 'never cross that line'.

All of that said, remember that 38% and make a plan, get help, arm yourself with knowledge and information, make use of resources and do not isolate - tell someone. For more information, help and advice click on the I Need Help page and tune into my YouTube vlog to hear more of my story, alternatively, click here and let me know what’s going on, hopefully there’s a Godmother out there for you, wand at the ready.